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Before I had any children at all, I started & ran my own daycare. I followed in my Grandmothers footsteps when I did so. In essence, I just imitated what I'd watched her do for years. When our first child (Abbey) came along it was like the stork brought her because she was adopted. She was four weeks old & already sleeping through the night. Now that I think back on it, she was more like an extention of my daycare or a doll baby. What I mean is that I had full confidence in my mothering of her. Three years later, I came up pregnant & we were all delighted. I laughed like the biblical Sarah for 8 months. It wasn't until after I had him that the fear set in. I put on an exteremely convincing *front. Even my husband (Brian) didn't know I was scared to death. You see, I hadn't done this before. He was brand new & I was nursing & I'm a person who, by nature is high strung & I'd had a C-section & on & on. Because I had a C-section he was early by just a couple of weeks. His doctor informed us that the last thing on a baby to grow are its ears, so he had paper thin little ears that flopped forward. His pediatrician told us to keep a hat pulled down over the tops of his ears to hold them in place. I tried to keep that hat pulled down but all the hats were too big for his head and kept sliding up & pushing one of his ears forward. A month or so went by & the cartiledge in his ears got stronger but the top of that one ear had a permanent, pinky finger sized dimple in it and still does to this day. I had already failed him & he was only a month old. To the Mothers & women who want to be Mothers, I told you this story to tell you that you are not a hybrid of Claire Huxtable & Bree Van de Kamp. Those women aren't real. You are not perfect & you will fail your child or children at some point. But be not discouraged. You are not a failure & you are not alone.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Shortcomings

As a parent, you have to deal with all kinds of emotions that you thought you had left long behind or made peace with. When I was ten years old, I was diagnosed with a learning deficit. Its called Dyscalculia and its a learning deficit in math. Before I was diagnosed, every night that I had math homework, was a tearful, anxiety filled, torture session. While I excelled in all other classes, I didn't just fail at math, it was a daily defeat. I was constantly embarrassed & sometimes I even cried in class. The only math I truly ever mastered, was double digit addition. Hell, I was nearly an adult before I could tell time, on a watch that wasn't digital. Fast forward twenty years, & I have a daughter in school. Every year the math gets more & more difficult for me. I even acknowledged the fact with my Aunt last year. I told her that in a few years, I wouldn't be able to help her with her math homework anymore. My Aunt's a math teacher, just thought you should know that. I didn't know at the time, that the next year of school, would be when I could no longer help her. Abigail is in second grade & two months ago they started Pre-Algebra, & that was it. She was fighting through it & then she could do it. They spent about three weeks on that before they went on to Algebra. Abbey was on the A Honor Roll. Last week, I believe it was Monday, she went to the study to do her math & after being in there a while, she came out & asked me to help her. I told Brian (that night) that I looked at it like an illiterate man must look at a book. There was nothing there that I could understand. Suddenly I had a lump in my throat & my face felt hot. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes. I was trying to swallow that lump down so I could speak. Finally, (it felt like we sat there five minutes but I know it was only a minute) I told her, in the strongest voice that I could muster, we'd ask her daddy when he got home. I know she knew something was wrong she's a very sensitive kid. I went to my bedroom & cried just like I had when I was a child. I was embarrassed & defeated all over again. I couldn't help my kid with her homework. I had to quickly deal with all those inadequacy issues I had long forgotten. I knew there would come a time when I wouldn't be able to help her & I knew that, but I wasn't prepared for the shame I felt. I think every parent probably feels that way at sometime. We just have to admit our shortcomings, hope that our kids don't make fun of us, & keep going.
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3 comments:

  1. AnonymousOctober 29, 2009 at 4:20 PM

    Wow...Jaime,I remember something about a learning disability when we were at J-State. I was just telling Kira last week that I probably wouldn't be able to help her with her math homework much longer. I have never been diagnosed with any learning disability but math isn't my forte'. It is amazing how issues you may have as a child, resurface years later when you are an adult. I read this entry with tears in my eyes and I can relate to you on so many levels. Keep your head up girl! I know that you know that you are not alone!! Shenita

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  2. DanaOctober 30, 2009 at 9:27 AM

    (((Jaime))) I just want to hold you and tell you everything will be all right...

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  3. Multi-AinjoSeptember 2, 2010 at 9:21 PM

    love that you shared this. And I hope you share it with your children. Sometimes they need to know that their parents aren't perfect, and if she ever has a difficult time with a subject she will respect your advice and encouragement so much more for having lived through it yourself.

    This post was just encouraging to me though, I had just had a moment with my own daughter that brought up some really old feelings I had forgotten about. Too long to go into here, but I'll just say, "Yup. I've been there."

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